Cheddar Cheese is White

This may come as a bit of a surprise to some people. You’re probably thinking Oh, he means *white* cheddar. No, shit-stick, I do not. Cheddar cheese is goddamn white, and it’s not the shit they coat Smartfood popcorn with.

Listen, I grew up in Vermont. You probably don’t know a whole lot about Vermont, so I’ll tell you a few things. First of all, there’s not a lot there. What is there? Well, cows and maple trees. It’s not complicated, we make maple syrup and dairy products. We do not mix them.

Vermont is also the home of Cabot. Perhaps you’ve seen their cheese in the supermarket. If you have, it’s because they make awesome cheese. They know what the fuck they are doing. But they are better at making one cheese than any other, and that cheese is cheddar. When I say “better” what I really mean is that they are the best. This is not my opinion. They have awards for this. Awards that say things like “World’s Best Cheddar”. Seriously, check it out. They make the best cheddar cheese in the world. Anyway, maybe you didn’t notice all of my excessive usage of italics there, but Cabot knows cheddar, and Cabot cheddar is white.

Growing up in Vermont, everybody just knew this. Good cheddar cheese was just a staple there, and it was always white, and it was usually pretty sharp. Now, though, I live in South Carolina, and while people down here certainly know how to fry chicken pretty well, they don’t know shit about cheese.

I love cheddar. I’ll put it on just about anything. Right now I have a refrigerator filled with: condiments, marinades, pickles, some milk, and a 3 pound brick of cheddar. I often like to put it on sandwiches, but every time I ask for cheddar cheese at a sandwich shop or restaurant down here I always regret it. Why? Because they don’t have cheddar cheese down here. They don’t know what the fuck it is.

They have something that they call cheddar. It orange colored, and it tastes like shit. It is not sharp, and it is not cheddar. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want any. If I wanted bland, orange-colored cheese I’d get American or colby. Hell, I’d rather just not have cheese than this over-processed schlock.

I can understand that not everybody likes sharp cheddar. But don’t make up some half-assed replacement and give it the same name. It’s just insulting. If I go up north and order a fried chicken filet sandwich I’m not going to get a hunk of squirrel meat pan seared in grape juice.

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