Dear Anime Intro

Listen, we need to talk. This is getting pretty ridiculous. I know you mean well, but enough is enough. You need to go back on your meds. In case you didn’t know, I don’t enjoy having seizures when I watch you. Similarly, I do not enjoy listening to horrible music with horrible English about how life is a painful flower or something else not even remotely related to the show.

Seriously. Are you drunk? Is it all some big joke? Do you do this because you hate me? Do you even like animes? I don’t think you do. I think you hate them, and you won’t rest until you’ve convinced everyone else that all animes are a bunch of teenage twats running around like morons bitching about how sad everything is while they hunt vampires or some shit. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, really.

And for the love of Christ, shut up already! I think it’s great that you found a 22-year-old eunuch to sing for you, but guess what? He sucks. Also, his English is horrible. Not only does it not make sense, it’s a fucking Japanese show! Why is he using English? That’s not how you say that word! That’s not a phrase we use! That’s not even a complete sentence!

Alright, maybe you mean well. I don’t know. Maybe you were abused as a child and that’s why you don’t understand the concept of allusion or plot encapsulation. Maybe all those times you were beaten with a broken garden rake destroyed your ability to understand the difference between good music and the noise that goats make when you skin them alive. Maybe because you missed out on all those therapy sessions, you thought it would be a great idea to completely reinvent yourself every twelve episodes. It’s not your fault you have a massive personality disorder.

Just stop already. OK? Please? Look, you’re not the intro to Samurai Champloo, alright. You’re just not. You’re like a dangerous snake I stumbled upon in the woods, all brightly colored and hissing and trying to bite my fucking eyeball. I don’t want that. I like my eyeballs the way they are: fully functioning and not bursting apart with venom.

I really wish it didn’t have to be this way. Maybe one day you’ll be better and I won’t have to skip past you every time. Maybe you just need to stick with Yoko Kanno. Yeah, just do that. Just play some random music from her and show a title screen. Simple, basic letters. Tone it down, you know? But that’s not going to happen. We both know that. Because you’re a dumb slut.

Anyway, I’m dating your sister, the show. She’s got pacing and content. Sure, sometimes I’m just left standing in the dark, confused about why there’s blood everywhere, but it makes sense in the end, and I’m good with that.

Sincerely, the viewer

Previously posted at Life’s Not Simple

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